What Is My Sexuality? A Guide to Understanding Yourself

If you've ever found yourself asking, "What sexuality am I?" you are not alone. Understanding your sexual orientation is a personal journey of self-discovery that many people experience. It's a normal part of figuring out who you are. This guide is here to help you explore what sexuality means, learn about different identities, and find supportive resources.

"Find out who you are and be that person." — Ellen DeGeneres

What Is Sexuality?

Sexuality is a broad term covering how we experience and express ourselves as sexual beings. A key part of this is sexual orientation, which describes a person's pattern of emotional, romantic, and/or sexual attraction to others. This attraction can be towards people of a different gender, the same gender, multiple genders, or no one at all.

It’s important to remember that sexual orientation is about your internal feelings and identity, not necessarily your actions or experiences. Someone can identify as gay without ever having dated a person of the same gender. Your feelings and sense of self are what define your orientation.

Sexual Orientation vs. Gender Identity

People often confuse sexual orientation with gender identity, but they are different concepts.

• Sexual Orientation is about who you are attracted to.
• Gender Identity is about your own internal sense of being male, female, both, neither, or another gender.

For example, a transgender person (someone whose gender identity differs from the sex assigned at birth) can be straight, gay, bisexual, or any other orientation, just like a cisgender person (someone whose gender identity aligns with the sex assigned at birth). This article focuses on sexual orientation.

The Spectrum of Sexual Orientations

Sexuality isn't just "gay or straight." It exists on a wide spectrum with many different identities. Learning about them can help you find the language that best describes your feelings. Here are some common sexual orientations:

• Heterosexual (Straight): Attracted to people of the opposite gender.
• Homosexual (Gay/Lesbian): Attracted to people of the same gender. Men attracted to men often identify as gay, while women attracted to women often identify as lesbian.
• Bisexual: Attracted to more than one gender. This is often understood as an attraction to both men and women.
• Pansexual: Attracted to people regardless of their gender. For pansexual individuals, gender is not a determining factor in their attraction.
• Asexual: Experiencing little to no sexual attraction to anyone. Asexual (or "ace") people may still form deep romantic relationships. The asexual spectrum also includes identities like demisexual.
• Demisexual: Only experiencing sexual attraction after forming a strong emotional bond with someone.
• Queer: An umbrella term for sexual and gender minorities who are not heterosexual or cisgender. Some people use "queer" because it feels more fluid and inclusive than other labels.
• Questioning: A term for people who are in the process of exploring their sexual orientation and are unsure of how they identify. It's a valid place to be.

Sexuality Is a Spectrum, Not a Binary

The idea that you must fit neatly into one box is a misconception. Researcher Alfred Kinsey developed the Kinsey Scale in the 1940s to show that sexuality exists on a continuum from exclusively heterosexual (0) to exclusively homosexual (6). While this model is simplified, it helped popularize the idea that many people fall somewhere in between.

"The world is not to be divided into sheep and goats. Not all things are black or white." — Alfred Kinsey

How to Explore Your Sexual Orientation

Figuring out your sexuality is a process of self-reflection. There is no test that can give you a definitive answer, but these steps can help guide your exploration.

1. Reflect on Your Attractions

Think about who you have crushes on, who you're drawn to romantically, or who you have sexual fantasies about.

• Who catches your eye in movies or real life?
• Have your feelings consistently been for one gender, or multiple genders?
• Do you find you don't really experience sexual attraction at all?

Your patterns of attraction over time are the biggest clue to your sexual orientation.

2. Learn About Different Identities

Reading about different sexualities can give you the words to describe your feelings. When you learn what "pansexual" or "asexual" means, you might have an "aha!" moment where it perfectly describes your experience. Reputable sources like Planned Parenthood's sexual orientation overview offer clear, straightforward definitions.

3. Be Patient with Yourself

There is no deadline for figuring this out. Some people know their orientation from a young age, while others discover it in their 30s, 40s, or beyond. It is also okay for your understanding of yourself to change over time. This is often called sexual fluidity. Give yourself permission to grow and learn without judgment.

4. Talk to Someone You Trust

If you feel safe and comfortable, talking to a supportive friend, family member, or school counselor can be helpful. Voicing your thoughts can bring clarity. If you're looking for professional, confidential support, organizations like The Trevor Project offer 24/7 counseling for LGBTQ+ young people.

5. Journal Your Thoughts

Writing down your feelings can help you process them and identify patterns. A private journal is a safe space to explore your crushes, questions, and fears without any pressure or judgment.

Emotional Well-Being and Self-Acceptance

Questioning your sexuality can bring up a mix of emotions, from excitement to anxiety. It's crucial to be kind to yourself during this process.

• Your Feelings Are Valid: All sexual orientations are normal and natural variations of human experience. Major health organizations, including the American Psychological Association (APA), affirm that being LGBTQ+ is not a disorder.
• Manage Fear and Anxiety: If you were raised in an unsupportive environment, you might feel fear or guilt. Remember that who you are is not wrong. Connecting with supportive communities, even online, can help you see that many people have felt the same way and have gone on to live happy, authentic lives.
• Prioritize Your Mental Health: Self-acceptance is strongly linked to better mental health. If you are struggling with anxiety or depression related to your sexuality, please seek help. A therapist who is knowledgeable about LGBTQ+ issues can provide a safe space to explore your feelings.

The Role of Labels

Labels like "bisexual," "gay," or "asexual" can be powerful tools. They can help you find a community of people with similar experiences and give you a simple way to describe yourself.

However, if no label feels quite right, that's perfectly okay too. Some people prefer not to label their sexuality at all, simply loving who they love. Others use broader terms like "queer" to embrace fluidity. Labels should serve you; you don't have to force yourself into one that doesn't fit.

Coming Out: A Personal Decision

Coming out is the process of sharing your sexual orientation with others. It is a deeply personal choice, and there is no right or wrong way or time to do it.

Your safety is the top priority. Before coming out, consider whether the people you tell will be supportive. If you are unsure, you might start with one person you trust completely. Remember, you are in control of who you tell and when. You don't owe anyone an explanation of your private life.

For guidance, PFLAG offers resources to help navigate these conversations with family and friends.

Frequently Asked Questions (FAQs)

Is it normal to be unsure about my sexuality? Yes, it is completely normal to be unsure or to question your sexuality at any age, especially during adolescence and young adulthood. Self-discovery is a journey, and your understanding of your attractions can evolve over time.

How can I tell if I might be gay or bisexual? It comes down to your pattern of attraction. If you are consistently attracted to people of the same gender, you might be gay or lesbian. If you feel attracted to more than one gender (e.g., both men and women), you might be bisexual or pansexual. Reflecting on your crushes, feelings, and fantasies can provide clues.

Does a one-time crush on someone of the same sex make me gay or bi? Not necessarily. Human sexuality is complex. A single thought, dream, or crush doesn't define your entire sexual orientation. What matters more is the consistent pattern of your attractions over time. You can decide what label, if any, feels most comfortable for you.

Can my sexual orientation change over time? For some people, sexual orientation can be fluid, meaning their attractions may shift throughout their life. Someone might identify as straight for years and later realize they are bisexual, for example. For others, it remains consistent. Both experiences are valid.

Is there a test that can tell me my sexuality for sure? No, there is no medical test or online quiz that can definitively tell you your sexual orientation. While quizzes can be a fun tool for self-reflection, your sexuality is determined by your own feelings and attractions. Only you can know who you are.

I feel scared about what it means if I’m not straight. Is something wrong with me? There is absolutely nothing wrong with you. All sexual orientations are a natural part of human diversity. Fear and anxiety are common feelings, often due to societal pressures or lack of acceptance. Seeking support from LGBTQ+ friendly groups or counselors can help you work through these emotions.

Who can I talk to if I'm feeling confused or alone? You can talk to a trusted friend or family member, a school counselor, or a therapist specializing in LGBTQ+ issues. Organizations like The Trevor Project and the LGBTQ+ National Help Center also offer free, confidential hotlines and chat services where you can speak with a trained counselor.

Conclusion

The journey to answering "What sexuality am I?" is unique to you. Whether you find a label that fits perfectly or choose to go without one, the goal is to understand and accept yourself. Be patient, be compassionate, and remember that you are not alone. There are countless resources and communities ready to offer support. Your sexual orientation is a valid and beautiful part of who you are, and you deserve to feel happy and respected.