Understanding the 'Favorite Person' in Borderline Personality Disorder
Key points
- Intense Emotional Dependence: The person with BPD relies heavily on the FP for their sense of self-worth and emotional stability.
- Idealization: The FP is often put on a pedestal and seen as perfect, wise, and uniquely capable of providing safety and happiness.
- Fear of Abandonment: A core feature of BPD, this fear is magnified in the FP relationship, leading to frantic efforts to maintain closeness (Medical News Today, 2025).
The term "Favorite Person," or "FP," might sound endearing, but within the context of Borderline Personality Disorder (BPD), it describes an intensely complex and often turbulent relationship. This bond is central to the experience of many with BPD, placing one individual at the very core of their emotional universe. It’s a connection marked by profound admiration and dependency, but also shadowed by an intense fear of abandonment that can create a painful cycle for both people involved.
This article provides a comprehensive look into the BPD Favorite Person dynamic, synthesizing clinical insights, research findings, and lived experiences. We will explore what it means to be an FP, the signs of this relationship, the psychological underpinnings, and pathways toward healthier, more balanced connections.
What is a "Favorite Person" in BPD?
A Favorite Person is an individual to whom a person with BPD forms an overwhelming emotional attachment. This term, while not an official clinical diagnosis, is widely recognized within the BPD community and by mental health professionals. The FP becomes the primary source of validation, comfort, and emotional regulation for the person with BPD (Brooke Glen Behavioral Hospital, 2025).
This person can be anyone—a romantic partner, a friend, a family member, a teacher, or even a therapist. The relationship is characterized by:
- Intense Emotional Dependence: The person with BPD relies heavily on the FP for their sense of self-worth and emotional stability.
- Idealization: The FP is often put on a pedestal and seen as perfect, wise, and uniquely capable of providing safety and happiness.
- Fear of Abandonment: A core feature of BPD, this fear is magnified in the FP relationship, leading to frantic efforts to maintain closeness (Medical News Today, 2025).
As one person in an online forum described it, "a favorite person is someone you have an emotional dependence on, who can ‘make or break’ your day." This highlights how the person with BPD's mood and sense of well-being can become inextricably linked to the FP's actions, words, and perceived feelings.
Why Do People with BPD Have a Favorite Person?
The FP dynamic is rooted in the core symptoms and developmental experiences associated with BPD. According to Dr. John G. Gunderson, a pioneer in BPD research, the disorder is marked by "interpersonal hypersensitivity." This means individuals with BPD are acutely sensitive to interpersonal cues, particularly those related to rejection or abandonment (Psychology Today, 2025).
The primary reasons for this intense attachment include:
- A Defense Against Abandonment: The FP acts as an anchor against the chronic feelings of emptiness and terrifying fear of being left alone that define BPD.
- External Emotional Regulation: Individuals with BPD struggle to regulate their own intense emotions. The FP becomes an external regulator, a person they turn to for soothing and stability.
- Unstable Sense of Self: BPD involves a disturbed or unstable self-image. The person may "merge" with their FP, adopting their interests, mannerisms, and beliefs to feel more whole and grounded.
- Past Trauma: Many people with BPD have histories of childhood trauma, neglect, or invalidating environments where their needs for safety and consistency were not met. The FP relationship can be a subconscious attempt to heal these old wounds by finding one person who can provide unwavering care and validation.
Signs of a Favorite Person Relationship
The signs of an FP dynamic can be recognized from both perspectives. It's an all-consuming experience that profoundly affects both individuals.
Signs You Have a Favorite Person
If you live with BPD, you may recognize these patterns:
- Obsessive Thoughts: You think about the FP constantly and your day revolves around their presence or communication.
- Mood Dependency: Your mood skyrockets with their attention and plummets with perceived distance or disapproval.
- Intense Jealousy: You feel extreme jealousy when the FP spends time with others.
- Mirroring: You change your identity, hobbies, or opinions to align with your FP.
- Constant Need for Reassurance: You frequently seek validation that they care about you and won't leave you.
- Idealization & Devaluation Cycle: You alternate between seeing them as perfect and flawless, and then, after a perceived slight, seeing them as cruel and worthless.
Signs You Are a Favorite Person
Being an FP can be confusing and emotionally taxing. You may notice:
- Constant Contact: The person needs to be in touch with you almost constantly via texts, calls, or in person.
- Walking on Eggshells: You feel afraid to say or do the wrong thing for fear of causing an intense emotional reaction.
- Emotional Responsibility: You feel responsible for their happiness and guilty when they are upset.
- Boundary Violations: Your personal boundaries are often tested or crossed as they seek to be closer to you.
- Intense Reactions to Distance: If you need space or are unavailable, they may react with panic, anger, or accusations of abandonment.
!A visual representation of the intense and sometimes overwhelming connection in a BPD Favorite Person relationship. Image Source: Unsplash
The Emotional Rollercoaster: Understanding "Splitting"
The rapid shift from idealization ("you're perfect, you're my savior") to devaluation ("you're worthless, you're just like everyone else who hurt me") is a defense mechanism known as splitting.
Splitting is the inability to hold opposing thoughts or feelings about someone at the same time. For a person with BPD under stress, it's difficult to see someone as a mix of good and bad qualities. Instead, they are either all good or all bad. This black-and-white thinking protects them from the anxiety of ambiguity in relationships (Verywell Mind, 2025). When the idealized FP inevitably does something human—like being late, disagreeing, or needing space—it can trigger a fear of abandonment, causing the person with BPD to devalue them as a way to discard them before they can be discarded first.
Is It a Favorite Person, or Something Else?
The intensity of the FP dynamic can be confused with other powerful attachments like a crush (limerence), codependency, or a trauma bond. However, there are key differences.
| Attachment Type | Primary Motivation | Key Differentiator |
|---|---|---|
| Favorite Person (FP) | Emotional regulation, validation, and a stable sense of self. | Rooted in BPD's core fear of abandonment; can be platonic or romantic. |
| Limerence | Romantic reciprocation and fantasy. | Primarily a romantic and often idealized infatuation that fades without reciprocation. |
| Codependency | A need to be needed; deriving self-worth from caretaking. | The codependent's identity is built around serving the other's needs, creating a giver-taker dynamic. |
| Trauma Bond | Survival within a cycle of abuse and intermittent kindness. | Formed through a pattern of abuse, creating a powerful but destructive loyalty to an abuser. |
Losing a Favorite Person: The Devastating Impact
For someone with BPD, the real or perceived loss of an FP is one of the most painful experiences imaginable. It can trigger a devastating emotional crisis because the FP represents their primary source of safety, identity, and hope.
The aftermath of losing an FP often includes:
- Intense Grief and Abandonment: The pain is often described as feeling like an actual death, accompanied by profound emptiness.
- Amplified BPD Symptoms: Emotional instability, impulsive behaviors, and feelings of worthlessness can intensify dramatically.
- Existential Crisis: The person may feel their entire world is ending, as their sense of reality was so deeply intertwined with the FP.
- Increased Risk of Self-Harm: The overwhelming emotional pain can lead to an increase in self-destructive behaviors or suicidal ideation as a way to cope.
Pathways to Healing and Healthier Relationships
Navigating the FP dynamic is challenging, but it is not a life sentence of unstable relationships. With awareness, professional help, and dedicated effort, change is possible.
For the Person with BPD
Breaking free from the painful cycle of FP dependency involves building a stronger sense of self and learning to self-regulate emotions.
- Seek Professional Therapy: Dialectical Behavior Therapy (DBT) is the gold-standard treatment for BPD. It teaches crucial skills in mindfulness, distress tolerance, emotion regulation, and interpersonal effectiveness.
- Build Internal Validation: Work on finding self-worth and happiness within yourself, rather than relying on external validation from one person.
- Expand Your Support System: Actively cultivate relationships with multiple friends, family members, or support groups. Distributing emotional needs across a network reduces the intensity placed on one person.
- Practice Self-Care and Hobbies: Engage in activities you enjoy on your own. This helps build an identity separate from your relationships and provides a healthy outlet for stress.
For the Favorite Person
If you are an FP, your well-being is paramount. You cannot be an effective support if you are emotionally depleted.
- Set and Maintain Boundaries: This is the most critical step. Clearly and kindly communicate your limits (e.g., "I can't text during work hours," or "I need some alone time tonight"). Enforcing these boundaries is essential for your own mental health and for creating a healthier relationship dynamic.
- Educate Yourself: Learning about BPD can help you understand that the intense behaviors are symptoms of the disorder and not a personal attack. A 2022 study published by the National Institutes of Health (NIH) highlights the often "mutually destructive" nature of these relationships, underscoring the need for awareness.
- Do Not Take Responsibility for Their Emotions: You are not responsible for managing their BPD or their happiness. Encourage them to use their coping skills or contact their therapist.
- Seek Your Own Support: Being an FP can be isolating and exhausting. Talk to a therapist or a trusted friend to process your own feelings and develop strategies for self-preservation.
Can a Favorite Person Relationship Become Healthy?
While inherently unstable, an FP relationship has the potential to transform into a more balanced and healthy bond. This evolution depends on the person with BPD actively engaging in treatment to develop self-regulation skills and the FP's ability to hold firm boundaries.
Through therapy, open communication, and mutual respect, the intense dependency can lessen, allowing a genuine, stable connection to form. The goal is not to eliminate the deep care that exists but to reshape the relationship's foundation from one of desperate need to one of mutual support and understanding.
This article is for informational purposes only and is not a substitute for professional medical advice, diagnosis, or treatment. If you or someone you know is struggling with Borderline Personality Disorder, please seek help from a qualified mental health professional.
About the author
Jasmine Lee, MD, is a board-certified psychiatrist specializing in adult ADHD and mood disorders. She is in private practice in Colorado and serves as a clinical supervisor for psychiatry residents at the local university medical center.